A year. Its insane to think that in just an hour he will have died "last year"...
This time last year Matt and I were in bed by 10pm ahead of an early flight the next morning to Queensland for what would be our last family holiday. At midnight we were woken by the fireworks. He kissed me and then we went back to sleep, never knowing that new years 2014 pretty much marked the mid way point between Matt first getting sick and his eventual death: what I now call the last 8 bonus weeks. So as I lie here on my first new years without him in 15 years, in bed early again but with noone to wake me at midnight for a kiss, I wonder what we would have done differently had we known... What would our new years resolution have been had we understood how little time we had left? Knowing us I suspect it wouldnt have included some grand overseas adventure or some other lavish experience. Neither of us were bucket list kind of people and we had already fulfilled our (ok my) nyc dream. So if I think about what I regret not doing together and as a family, and what I imagine would be Matts regrets, it would be things much closer to home. I regret that we didnt make the time to help Noah practice his bike riding, and therefore matt missed out by a few weeks on the milestone of taking his training wheels off... I regret that I procrastinated organising another round of professional photos of our family. I regret that we fought over inconsequential things like the dishwasher and the washing. I regret that we spent most nights at home with me on the couch and him on the computer working. I suspect he would have regretted not playing more golf, and I know I regret that he didnt finish the long list of now unfinished handyman jobs he started around around the house... But mostly I regret that we talked more about living life then we did experiencing it. So having learned this, and in saying farewell to the holding pattern year that was 2014, my resolution is to be able to look back in a years time on 2015 with no regrets (or as few as possible!). To know that Ive been patient. Especially when waiting for a cake to cool in the pan... but also with my chatterbox daughter and stubborn son To know that Ive done one thing every week that nourishes my soul. And when the days get crazy and the weeks seem to fly, to have chosen those weeks to do two things because time expands equally for chores as it does for positive things. To know that Ive conquered a fear. Perhaps of heights, perhaps of being alone. I wonder which is scarier? To know that Ive worried less and lived more. And if I do none of these, then at least to know without a shadow of a doubt that Ive spent the most precious gift Ive ever been given (the gift of time) wisely. Heres to a happy, healthy and safe 2015 for us all. Onwards.
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AuthorFiona is a writer, consultant to government and not for profits and former cynic turned yogi. Archives
June 2017
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